Funny Jokes


An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to go with her doctor to talk. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied: "I'd like a few birth control pills."
Withdrawn, the doctor for a second thought and then said: "Excuse me, Madam. Glenwood, but you are 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills?"
The woman replied: "It helps me sleep better."
The doctor considers this for a second, and continues ... "How in the world of birth control pills help you sleep?"
The woman said, "I have them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
"Sir, why this cow does not have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby town. The farmer turned his head sideways for a moment, then started in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can be a powerful lot of damage with horns to do Sometimes we keep'em trimmed with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix it. the young 'uns down by a few drops of acid where their horns grow in, and stop em cold yet, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow do not have horns, ma'am, is because it is a horse. "
3 guys were in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer. The Systems Analyst row and when they come to a steep hill, he found that the brakes failed and the car accelerates out of control.
Thus, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears and the wheels rub the rims against the curb. He eventually wrestle the car to a halt. The three got out and evaluate the situation.
Hardware Tech: "Let's try and correct it I will crawl under the car and take a look."
Systems Analyst: 'No, I think we should get someone qualified, a specialist in the brakes fixed. "
Programmer: "Why do not we just get back in and see if it happens again."

"What is the time the library open?" the man on the phone asked."Nine hours of the morning" came the reply. "And what is the idea of ​​calling me at home in the middle of the night to a question as to ask?""Not until 9:00?" the man asked in a disappointed voice."No, not until 9:00!" said the librarian. "Why do you want to get to 9:00?""Who said I wanted to get?" The man sighed sadly. "I want to get."
One day, Satan was a walk through hell to make sure that everything runs smoothly. When he reached the Lake of Fire, he saw a man who sat by the lake, relax in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Embarrassed, Satan, the man approached and asked:
"Young man, you're not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, no, I lived in downtown Toronto and the weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that it was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and the heat in Hell another 100 degree turn. Satisfied with himself, he returned to the Lake of Fire to look at the young man.
When he arrived, the man who a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable it?" The young man looked up and said, 'No, the temperature is like a hot August day in Toronto. Coping me it's just beautiful. "
Satan decided he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant to do. He went back to his office, turn the heat all the way down, and then turn the air conditioning. The temperature in the hell fast well below freezing dropped. As he approached the lake of fire, he noticed that it froze over. He also Torontonian jumping up and down game, waving his arms and screaming in the air.
"It looks promising!" Satan thought. Approached, he finally made the man shouted, "leaves the Stanley Cup winner, leaves the Stanley Cup won!"

An old farmer had a large farm for several years held. He has a large pond in the back forty, this beautiful set, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball, etc. The pond for swimming when it was built set. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he was not there for a while and look it over. When he was near the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with joy. As he approached, he saw it was a lot of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He told the women of his presence made aware and they all went to the deep side of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied: "I have not come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you out of the pond, I just came to me to feed alligators." Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father is a farmer and we have a bunch of hens laying eggs Once we had eggs on the market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs. to fly and broken andA mess. "'And what is the moral of the story? "Asks the teacher." Do all your eggs in one basket! "" Very well, "said the teacher.
Next little Lucy a hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for meat We have a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only ten live chicks and the moral to this story , not counting your chickens until they hatch. "" It was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, you have a story to share? "
"Yes, ma'am, my father told me this story about my Aunt Marge She was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a machine gun and a machete ... So she drank the whiskey on the road so it will not break. Then she was right in the middle of 100 enemy troops landed. She killed 70 of them with machine gun until it ran. of bullets when she killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke, then with her bare hands killed the last 10. "! "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she drinks."

A man with a difficult secret could no longer hold.
In the confession, he admitted that he was for years the building was stealing supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What do you have?" asked his priest. "Enough to make my own house to build and enough for my son's house and the houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I'll have to think of a far-reaching penance Have you ever had a retreat that?" "No, Father, I have not," replied the man. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the wood."
A woman has twins and gives them for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they call him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she had a picture of Amal. Her husband replied, "But they are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."